She was an accidental warrior on the front lines and over the course of her life, she developed a vast repertoire of survival tactics. Most of them would serve to numb the pain of living in a world she did not understand. As she bounced and bumped around in a labyrinth of her own making, each new passage would bring hope that it would be the one leading to the doorway of peace. However, Peace was a crafty and cunning shapeshifter always hinting of promises and always just one step out of her reach.
Her early decades revolved around the matrix while trying to fit into a world that really did not exist. To do so, she had to remain small but her body refused to obey. She was always one size larger than she wanted to be. She could sense Spirit deep within her soul; she could hear whispers of escape but could not trust. Instead, she chose the safe bet and to ignore her own deep knowing; she would continue to look to anybody other than herself for truth. The answer would lie in the next book, the next guru, the next psychic.. In and out of the labyrinth she would weave…
In her 47th year, the veil between the two worlds momentarily lifted and the labyrinth crumbled. She found herself wrecked upon a new shore in the land of possibilities. She set upon this new world with a broken heart but Spirit provided all that she needed to begin to mend. Accepting the brokenness, she dove headfirst into it’s healing waters. Swimming was hard at first, as childhood shame and wounding felt heavy and threatened to drown her, but Spirit urged her on. She was in Kindergarten…she had so much to re-learn…so much to un-do.
She learned what trauma was and that an intellectual understanding of trauma was not enough to fully heal. She learned that the body held onto trauma and she learned that one by one, all her warrior ways and all of her survival tactics had an expiry date.
When menopause came knocking in her 50’s, her body could no longer hold her secrets. All that she had tried to stuff down began to grow and percolate; soon it erupted in a stream of anxiety, hot flashes and tears. She was a hot mess. Keep swimming…
Those were the years of the truly intimate work. A solitary journey of rediscovery, of learning how to honour her own voice and walk with purpose. They were also years where fully inhabiting the body was painful. She felt betrayed by it’s refusal to harbour resent, guilt, shame and self loathing. She threw it scraps of nutrition while swaddling it with bandages of wine, pizza and ice-cream. She craved comfort and was still looking for peace outside of herself. It was still elusive.
She hit her 60th year exhausted and acquiescent. Too tired to lift another sword, she waved the white flag of surrender and invited truth. She had more than a few rants at Spirit before she hit the hard edge of realization. She had been chasing rainbows long enough, the real gold was realizing that peace will come when she can love herself with the same unconditional positive regard that she gives to others. Her only mission, all these years, was to learn to love herself and trust in her own voice. Peace is not something to be found “somewhere”, it is to be cultivated and nurtured in the here and now. It is a state of being. Spirit applauded and then breathed a sigh of relief…
She may have been a late bloomer, but at least her petals were beginning to unfurl. She had an epiphany of gratitude for life in her 61st year. She saw all the abuse and lack of appreciation she threw at her body over the years and promised to proceed with abundant loving kindness. Though she had put on 50 pounds, aside from some minor aches and pains, she still had her health.
With Spirit as her guide, she is swimming in much calmer waters now. There is peace in every stroke, and purpose in her path. There is love in every meal that is prepped and every morsel that passes her lips. There are new shores to explore, new mountains to climb and far away lands to visit. Like a spark igniting an ember, she can feel her spirit begin to glow…
a love note to my body
~ Cleo Wade
a love note to my body:
first of all,
I want to say
thank you.
for the heart you kept beating
even when it was broken
for every answer you gave me in my gut
for loving me back
even when I didn’t know how to love you
for every time you recovered when I pushed you past our limits
for today,
for waking up.
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