If she could go back in time and share just one little nugget of gold gleaned from the Mother Lode of life it would be this:
“Be at peace Dear One. You are beautiful just the way you are. All of your thoughts of imperfection, of not being enough, of being less than, of being fat, of being ugly, of being unworthy to take the big bite out of life’s cake…are just thoughts. They are not true. Come home to yourself. Fully land on this earth and waste no more time being entertained by doubt. There are no limits. You can soar.”
She had always been at war with her body. Born into a family where white bread and jam were medicine to quell the discomfort of daily living, her young self learned to eat fear, sorrow and worry. Each bite seasoned with guilt and shame, she would stuff herself numb and soon there was no more room for “Spirit” to inhabit the body.
Spirit moved to a little room in the attic of her psyche. Sensitive to pain, she learned to disconnect and dissociate. Anesthetized from sensation, her emotions were purely conceptual; they tasted like sadness and melancholy…salt and sugar…tears and a warm blanket. She lost herself in a mournful playlist and became an expert in pushing through pain and burying it deep within her soul. If only….
She craved connection and looked to the external world for a happiness outlet to plug into. In her 20’s, she adopted habits and goals appropriate to societal rites of passage within her environment. Masking unworthiness with a cloak of inflated self-importance was an earnest attempt to fake it until she could make it. Truth be told, she wasn’t actually clear on what she was chasing. Her happiness resided in reflections within a house of mirrors. There were few times when she could pass by a mirror and like what she saw. More often she could not allow herself but a brief critical glimpse that reinforced her under current of worthlessness. A body curvaceous and vital went uncelebrated for it’s refusal to conform to unrealistic expectations. Just don’t look. Just don’t feel…
She desperately wanted to fit in (always to a size smaller pair of jeans) and spent her 30’s studying nutrition and fitness. She had convinced herself that peace would come when her body was strong and vital but it was never enough. She lifted weights and lost weight but she could not lose the feeling of disconnect, nor could she remedy the need for external validation. It must be out there somewhere…
By 40, “Mind” had the strong hold and she learned how to push the “Body” to incredible limits. Yes, the most useful tool that dissociation can offer is the agility in which “Will” can outpace discomfort with denial and determination. Strong in body and of mind, she was certain that the key to happiness lay in the ability to remain in control. She hiked trails with an overstuffed backpack and pushed through 2 marathons. Increasing her time spent at the gym and keeping daily tabs on everything that passed her lips was less than joyful self-love and more an act of violence against nature. Her inner narrator was a bully; a demanding critic spiraling in a vortex of never enough. Control is an exhausting bitch; she was tired and still the mirrors only reflected flaws…
Thankfully, Spirit was patient and the ember that burned deep within her started to spark and ignite. “Don’t give up Dear One. I am here and have always been”. She gave Spirit permission to ride shot gun on the journey thus begging a deeper dialogue about the nature of reality relative to an existential crisis. And so, as the light began to creep through the little window in the attic, she built an annex where she could unpack the dusty old bankers’ boxes which housed a lifetime of repression. Purging had begun…
The conclusion drawn was that happiness was a mystery…a challenge…an illusion…a puzzle to be solved. She would not give up. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon and she could feel the warm rays begin to penetrate her fortress.
To be continued…..
AWAKE AWHILE
It does not have to be forever, right now.
One step upon the sky’s soft skirt would be enough.
Hafiz, awake awhile.
Just one true moment of Love will last for days.
Rest all your elaborate plans and tactics for knowing Him,
For they are all just frozen spring buds.
Far, so far from summer’s Divine gold.
Awake, my dear.
Be kind to your sleeping heart.
Take it out into the vast fields of Light and let it breathe.
Say, “Love, give me back my wings.
Lift me, lift me nearer.”
Say to the sun and moon, say to our dear Friend,
“I will take You up now, Beloved,
On that wonderful Dance You promised!”…Hafiz
anewthreshold.org 