One of my many insufferable qualities, is that I am an eternal optimist; in saying that, I’ll admit there is a degree of naivety to my optimism. My naivety is a sense of seeing the best in people and expecting them to live up to it. It has taken me many lifetimes to accept that if people show up differently, I don’t have to take that personally. In itself, an easy lesson to intellectualize, but the heart has had a harder time embracing it.
When you wear your heart on your sleeve, it is exposed and easily bruised. While locking it away in protective body armour is an option, those of us who are afflicted with the naivety gene keep extending it regardless of risk. Recently, my daughter wrote a paper and summarized some of what she learned from me in this department. She wrote:
“My mother, who welcomed strangers into our family, and [sic] taught me to be generous with my love, and that we do not find safety by guarding ourselves against the world, but by opening our doors and sharing what we have.”
Amen to that my daughter dear, for if I have taught you nothing else in life, my job is done. In the absence of love, what is left?
So if you are keeping up with my ramble, you will have read about Dorothy’s travels in the online and offline dating world while trying to figure this love thing out. As with all journeys, it always begins with taking the first step and even though you cannot see the destination you just keep on walking. If you are lucky, you will find an unexpected detour along the way and find yourself in a whole new world. That is pretty much what this enlightenment gig is all about and it seems that this self-love piece plays quite a big part in self-actualization.
Feeling strong after a couple years of dating myself and finally feeling at peace with the person who identifies as dhar, I decided it was once again time to share the love. Having had absolutely no luck in the check-out line at Thrifty’s, I broke my 2-year hiatus from online dating, bolstered my resolve, took the plunge and start fishing in the pond again.
Now, you have to understand that catch and release is a common online practice and it has taken me over a decade to learn how to properly identify fish. While bottom feeders are pretty easily spotted by lack of imagination and poor grammar, (I am a bit of a sapiophile), sharks and barracudas can be a trickier lot. Scammers have a certain flavour and they continue to test and insult my intelligence daily; they try to reel you in by representing themselves as the perfect Prince Charming. I am not averse to telling them that they have all the red flags of a scammer and they are just brash enough to expect me to educate them. Perhaps I will post some tips in a future blog but for now beware of catholic widowers who have a PHD and extremely poor grammar. Suffice to say if you can defend a thesis, you can string a sentence together properly. It’s really not rocket science….
Honestly, my standards are not that outrageous. When it comes to fish personalities, I would say that I am a Beta looking for my Oscar. (We both beg for food and get really excited when we see each other). Pretty low maintenance really. It has been said before that “I am a good catch”. High praise from a fast swimmer who eventually broke the line and swam away.
I have learned that while someone can look really good on “paper”, all that can fall away in the first few minutes of the meet and greet. This is where you get a chance to see if your catch measures up to keeper status. More often than not, it is usually a shared conversation over a hot beverage followed by a polite hug and a splash. I am quick to move things to the meet and greet and very clear if I wish to pursue another date or not. While chemistry is not the whole equation, it does play a huge part and it is either there or it is not. You can fake it but to what purpose? Authenticity tops the list of my values. Sooner or later your real self will leak out and that is best not left as a surprise a few months down the road.
Every now and then a happy surprise comes along. After breaking my hiatus last fall, I met someone who I thought could be “the one”. In fact, he even told me that I was the one he had been waiting for and he was so happy we had finally met. It could be said that in that moment, I had taken the bait and wholeheartedly swallowed the hook. He talked a good spiritual talk, love bombed with all the right words and wooed me with kindness and pet names. I relaxed into what I thought was a relationship that showed promise of two mature people growing and exploring in relationship together. There may have been a couple red flags but I was willing to overlook them because the promise felt so divine.
We played for about 3 months and then just as quickly as the magic happened it evaporated. The wooing and cooing shifted quickly into stagnant water and then one day the current just swept him back out to sea. While it was a mutual parting, it also brought me into realization that one is never too old to have a Britney Spears moment. Oops, my big old naïve heart did it again.
In hindsight and reflection, while my line continues to dangle in the water, and my optimism continues to fan the flames of hope, I am not as attached to outcome as I used to be. There is also a new awareness that the first few months of attraction are very much like the first trimester of pregnancy. Exciting as it is, perhaps it is best to hold off on big announcements until one knows if the little tadpole is fish or frog.
Touched by An Angel
~ Maya Angelou
We,
unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
anewthreshold.org 