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She did not set out in this life thinking she would be single at sixty, but like so many others in today’s technologically afflicted world, even with the advent of online dating platforms, finding a life partner is proving equal to a search for the holy grail. 

When her 23-year marriage ended in 2005, she was akin to Dorothy waking up in Oz; Kansas was a long way off and navigating the new world was alien and somewhat awkward. The last date she had been on was in 1979 and she married him in ‘82. He was essentially the boy next door; familiar, known and safe. They had a good life, raised some great kids, but instead of growing old together, over the years, their paths diverged. She chose to leave the marriage and he quickly found another girl next door. Release the flying monkeys! She set out on her new path feeling very alone and discombobulated. Even so, there was a determined stride of self-discovery and healing accompanying each step of the journey.

It is always easier to understand life in hindsight. When they had met, her 21 years on the planet had yet to foster a sense of safety and trust in her own voice. She came with invisible baggage and a childhood experience of familial dysfunction. Admittedly in over his head, her father was mostly absent while her mother’s mental illness kept them all dancing emotional bullets in rapid fire. When cries of pain filled confusion were never answered they soon became silent sobs of “suck it up and keep moving”. There was safety in silence. There was purpose in movement.

She was a curious child and always looked outside of her own experience for navigational clues. As a child of the 60’s, television was just coming into its own and she enmeshed with a screen that offered a different perspective. Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver became her patriarchal fantasy worlds; both offering a strong male lead which she craved. Her young self became a watcher and June Cleaver, apron and all, became her mentor; she made mental notes.

Determined to reverse her own dysfunctional family karma, an internalized belief in the nuclear family dream gave life a purpose. June had taught her everything she knew about motherhood, marriage and managing a home. While she drew a hard line at meeting her husband at the door with slippers and martini in hand, she did strive to meet him. This, however, was not always reciprocated; her husband had grown up with different script. “What would June do?” she queried constantly. “Never let him see you sweat” was always the reply. She stuffed disappointment down and carried on until the fateful day that “Dorothy” woke up, found herself in an emotionally empty nest, gave June the boot, and ran away from home.

Many years, a Social Work degree and much self-inquiry later, she came to realize that somewhere between birth and age 5, her inner child went into hiding; her spirit went stealth as an act of survival with a splash of defiance. Determined to figure this earthly existence out, she learned how to lay low and read a room; she learned how to please and placate; she learned how to mediate and moderate. She spent a ton of energy in control mode and felt that as long as she could manipulate her environment, she was safe. Instead, she learned that the more you try to control the environment, the more it had control over you. Let that shit go.

Suffice to say that Dorothy had no idea what came next. There was no guide book for a 46 year old divorcee and she was keenly aware that on an evolutionary note, she was nearing the expiration date as a viable partner. Ageism is so rampant in our society that middle aged women are at risk of invisibility in the dating pool. Oh, and giving full respect to transparency, she still hoped there might be a Prince Charming to be found along the yellow brick road that lay ahead. While not in a hurry, somewhere in her future plans, she saw herself saying “I do” at least one more time.

An overarching sense of aloneness permeated everything and every relationship. She craved connection, but never seemed to be able to feel it. Thus, she began a 13 year journey of looking for love in all the wrong places.  She had a love hate relationship with online dating. It did not help that her first introduction to the online world was Lava Life and she was as green to the process as they come. Since then she has pared down her profile, honed her spider senses, tightened up boundaries and learned how to read between the lines. She met a lot of nice people and had a few false starts on the relationship front, but the time/energy spent in the constant interview process becomes tiring. Predictably, she eventually renounces the online scene with a strong resolve to “never go online again”. She may as well engrave these words on her tombstone for at this rate, death may come knocking before a suitor does.

Try as she has to meet someone “the old-fashioned way”, she found out that you actually have to leave the house to engage this process and Amazon does not deliver when it comes to men. On the rare occurrence when she does make an effort to mingle, she is surrounded by other women who are on much the same quest. She is thankful for the sisters because they are always there to pick up the pieces and they do understand.

No, she did not set out in this life thinking she would be single at 60, but she has come to embrace that the love she had been looking for begins within. This connection is more nourishing and more valuable than any promise “Prince Charming” can deliver. She is enjoying her journey through Oz and like the Lion, Tin Man and Scarecrow, she has come to realize that all that she has been seeking has always been within. She has just needed to be still long enough to actually feel it. There is purpose in stillness.   

There are so many gifts to be gleaned in the quiet moments of aloneness. Wizard be damned! Lately she has been hearing her inner Witch calling….and instead of hanging up on her, she is going to invite her in…..

THE JOURNEY

One day you
finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice –

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do –

determined to save

the only life you could save.

~Mary Oliver