Spiritual awakening is a process of developing new eyes and a new way of being in relationship with this world. It calls you to question all that you believe and all that you once held as truth. It teases you away from the main streams and begs examination of the tributaries that feed into their currents. Water, water everywhere… Are you the rain drop or the ocean? Who are you?
No two people ever experience this world in the same way. We are influenced by frameworks comprised of all life experiences along with the inherited life experiences from parents, grandparents and all the great grandparents in the long line of history before this moment. Talk about your karma; we often continue to live the life trajectories of our ancestors without ever questioning if there may be another way. This is as true for cycles of poverty and abuse as it is for those who are financially sound and stable. Who are we without the history?
Recently an old friend referred to me as an “Irish, gypsy, medicine woman”. I love that she can see me that way and as far as labels go, I will gladly embrace the fun and exotic over the mundane. For many decades, I did not really look beyond the constructs I had inherited by default. I was either someone’s daughter, someone’s wife or someone’s mother. While it is common practice to identify with an egoic persona, these labels are descriptive, not definitive. Born into a world that likes tidy little boxes, we come into this process of internalized identity by way of our conditioning; the construct begins the minute we take our first breath and we can spend a lifetime thinking we are something we are not.
For as long as I can remember, I have been curious about the nature of life and what lies beyond the veil. I used to think that awakening was about reaching a blissful state of nirvana whereupon an all knowingness brought a state of peace and contentment. Envision if you will, God/Goddess/Creator and I chilling under a bodhi tree, turning water into wine, and having a great laugh. I say this rather tongue in cheek but it is not far from the actual truth. I have since come to understand that much of the awakening process is about seeing our conditioning for what it is and then letting it go. For some, this can be a lightbulb moment of self-realization but for many others, like myself, it is like peeling the infinite layers of conditioning off the proverbial onion. The paradigm shifting “aha” moments continue to amaze and amuse.
Lately I have been struggling to find a work life balance that lines up with my values and ideals. After my career as a stay at home mom ended, the prevailing societal norm pushed me to go to university and earn some credentials; I needed validation so I could trade my time for money and compete in the “real world”. I truly thought that a legitimate career was the recipe for success and then soon realized that the 9-5 existence is just another box that will keep me spinning the hamster wheel thinking I am actually going somewhere. While a life of service as a Social Worker does somewhat line up with my values and ideals, the emotional/physical energy expended each day is far greater than the financial freedom it affords. The trap here is that in order to truly compete in this world, one has to keep investing in higher education in hopes of one day balancing the time for money scales. I’m sorry, but at 60, I just don’t have that kind of time and it would require going further into debt.
In the pursuit of becoming the best me I can be in this life, I have come to accept that nothing is static. While the mind can become rigid, if you are open and able to sit in the discomfort of “not knowingness”, life may take you places you never dreamt existed. My practice is to energetically tap the pulse around me and intuitively take cues from what reverberates. There may be a passage in a book, an observation in nature or a conversation with a stranger that facilitates a lightbulb shift in perception. This navigational system requires curiosity, trust, a clear mind, and a willingness to let go of attachment to outcome. Just when you think you have things figured out, you get yet another piece of the puzzle and realize that there is no such thing as “knowing” anything “for sure and forever”. Letting go.
A recent light bulb moment happened when I came across a reference to Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, and an explanation of his cashflow quadrant. Talk about seeing a deeply conditioned familial pattern! I grew up thinking that my little piece of the box was to find a stable job, become a valued employee and hopefully live long enough to pension out at retirement. Nowhere in that reality was there room to dream a bigger dream or expand into a concept of business owner or investor. I had no idea at all that there was a bigger life to be had outside of my little quadrant. Hmm…perhaps there is life outside of the box after all.
This world is evolving at a rapid rate and if you are not agile and just a tad bit humble, you are going to lie fallow no matter how many seeds are sown. For some, who rely heavily on logic, my approach may seem steeped in wishful thinking but that’s okay – the ocean is in me/I am in the ocean and I will continue to swim…
If you prefer smoke over fire
then get up now and leave.
For I do not intend to perfume
your mind’s clothing
with more sooty knowledge.
No, I have something else in mind.
Today I hold a flame in my left hand
and a sword in my right.
There will be no damage control today.
For God is in a mood
to plunder your riches and
fling you nakedly
into such breathtaking poverty
that all that will be left of you
will be a tendency to shine.
So don’t just sit around this flame
choking on your mind.
For this is no campfire song
to mindlessly mantra yourself to sleep with.
Jump now into the space
between thoughts
and exit this dream
before I burn the damn place down.”
― Adyashanti
anewthreshold.org 