What does the word authenticity inspire in you? It is easy to play with it and attach an intellectual verbiage such as “getting real” or “being yourself”, but that would suggest there is already intrinsic knowingness and core connection to self in play. If this were true for the majority, the self help movement would be dead in the water and the same would be said for the profession of counselling and coaching. And yes, while there are self actualized beings who walk amongst us, there are many more aspiring for authenticity who are cloaked and caged behind a variety of acquired masks. For many, projecting and protecting these masks is so habituated and automatic that the mask they wear has become existentially essential to their concept of self.
The journey to connection first begins with acknowledging disconnection. As a Child and Youth Care worker, practicing from a trauma informed lens, this understanding is essential to helping our clients find comfort in circumstance and changeable environments. We are born with a brain that has already begun to wire itself in response to somatic cues picked up from Mom while we are womb lounging. The moment our lungs fill with our first breath of air, the environment continues to build upon that. Our genetic potential is a seed but the environment is the humus; this is epigenetic evolutionary magic! The neural pathways formed in response to a conflict riddled environment will be much different than those developed in an environment that fosters peace and contentment. Our early childhood experiences set the stage for brain development, what roles we adopt in life, and how we interact in the world.
In the conflicted environment, a child will become hyper-vigilant at perceiving anything that could be a safety risk. A learned response to a traumatic and unpredictable household is often to remain fluid and morph into whoever one needs to be so as to buffer the inevitable pain and suffering of the immediate moment. Somewhat like a chameleon, one can put on a mask and disappear in plain sight. This can involve acting courageous when fearful, donning a smile to cover tears, or feigning indifference in the face of disappointment. While “fake it until you make it” can be a purposeful strategy for healing and learning new ways to approach life, disappearing in plain sight is a subconscious default; this automated habit virtually walls off any connection to an authentic moment.
You could think of the infant brain like brand new computer equipped with all the basic functions needed by most users. Once you get it home, you begin to personalize it’s use by deleting some programs and downloading others. No two personal computers are ever going to be identical; the same can be said for the human brain. Mask software, installed in the early formative years, is usually reinforced and upgraded annually. One gets very accustomed to running this program and skilled at adopting quick “bug fixes” to navigate each new challenge. Donning a mask can be seen as a strong and strategic move to survive in a world you cannot predict. This same mask can become a liability as it limits self awareness, vision and receptivity to change.
Some will live their whole life in a masquerade. We are all wired for connection and the masks we wear are often part of the connection conundrum. We either wear a mask to help us connect with others or wear one to help us deal with disconnection. Either way, once a projected image has become a role or a lifestyle, shifting can be extremely difficult. Often, if one begins to shed their mask, this can cause so much discomfort in relationships that the shift never really progresses. Other people get used to relating to the mask so when it is not there, they become confused. Often this is where phrases like “you’ve changed” sound more derogatory than constructive. The discomfort can also be very disorienting for the individual who is seeking authenticity; it takes courage and an extreme willingness to be vulnerable for this journey to continue.
When it comes to vulnerability, nobody has captured it’s essence quite like Brene Brown. Her TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability” is a powerful exploration through the discomfort associated with being vulnerable. Brene believes that shame has centre stage in this equation and that the core root of shame has a fundamental association with unworthiness. The internalized belief that we are not enough or not worthy is often what keeps us from truly being seen; it is much easier to hide behind a mask than to risk falling short of perfection.
So how does one heal? It can happen but it takes compassion, curiosity and commitment; a good therapist by your side is also an asset. It is imperative that you look at your personal journey through a forgiveness lens as you begin to peel away the masks to see who is really there. You have to quit believing all the self imposed stories that narrate your life. Dare to question your motives! How many “I should(s)” are informing every day decisions? How many “I could….but(s)” are limiting your experiences? In a world where we are innately wired for connection, where are the areas you have abandoned or disconnected from yourself? From others? This is a journey of discovery that not everyone will take, but many are called to. It is a journey of longing and belonging. Be gentle here, as it is quite possible that you have never known deep connection and that is okay; the real power lies in knowing what we are not.
I Am and I Am Not
– Rumi
I’m drenched
in the flood
which has yet to come
I’m tied up
in the prison
which has yet to exist…
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
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