To be perfectly honest, the impetus to spend 2018 on a healing journey, has as much to do with preventing further erosion of my digestive system as it does with trying to crack my personal metabolism code. After a lifetime of studying the nutritional and psychological influences on health and wellness, I am aware that an intellectual understanding is not enough when it comes to controlling creeping weight gain. One must assimilate and then one must act.
Tired and discouraged with the direction my life was heading, I hit the couch hard in 2017. In doing so, I indulged a year of not overthinking what I ate, or over exercising to compensate for it. Yes, I had found my “fuck it” switch, and thus sugar, wine and Netflix became my binges of choice. In theory, my practice was to be okay with what is and to quit drowning myself in negative self-talk because of some random number on the scale that had too long defined me. I would love to be able to say that I have self-actualized and become at peace with the scale, but that would be a lie. I awoke to a 30 pound weight gain that brought the numbers into an all time new high. At this point, ownership is the only path forward. Do I have regrets? Indeed. My biggest regret is the harm I had self induced by not honouring and caring for my body mindfully. I am grateful that my constitution is stronger than my stubborn streak.
I can’t remember a time when I was not at war with myself. Born at a time when the median population was slim, chubby little red headed kids really stood out. Mom would buy my clothes from the “chunky” section at Sears and chubby kids were never a first pick when choosing teams in PE. Self talk at this early stage of the game sets the stage for a lifetime of low self esteem and body image distortion. I was an “other” and in being an “other”, I would always be less than. If I could do just one thing in this life, I would time travel back to this younger version of myself and tell her just how beautiful and how perfect she is. And she is.
My parents were overweight and my siblings struggled as well. Be it nature or nurture, I am guessing my genetic expression was greatly influenced by the environment I grew up in. We lived on white bread, jam and sugary cereals. Processed carbs and sugar were my crack; an eternal halloween would have been my heaven. My first attempt at taking control of my body happened at age 12; I hated my own reflection in the mirror and began to loath it into submission. This set the stage for punishing myself through a combination of denial, avoidance and exercise. Self acceptance was never part of the equation; in my mind, that only came when perfection was achieved.
Those early days brought lots of observation and exploration. Intuitively, I understood that following my familial lifestyle, would only lead to perpetuation of the issues I saw my parents struggle with. Our home was never a stable one; it was an environment that nurtured hot tempers, frequents bouts of illness (both physical and mental) and loss of vitality due various body aches and pains. As I look back, I can remember waking up some mornings with my own young body wracked with pain. In hindsight, I believe this was a both a reaction to my stressful environment and the diet I was eating.
My early teen years facilitated taking refuge in the growing health food movement. Adelle Davis and Bernard Jensen became my early teachers and I devoured their books while gradually adopting a health focussed, preventative lifestyle. While I have never been “perfect”, I do place health at the top of my list of values and have always aspired to being a healthy active senior citizen. Closer now to senior than teen, my year of self indulgent neglect was akin to quitting the race just before the finish line. It was fuelled in part by a number of factors including; emotional fatigue, information overload, dietary confusion and a post menopausal metabolism that does not respond to any of my old “survival” strategies.
Throughout the years, I had managed to keep from fully expanding into my aura by a combination of hyper food awareness and exercise. Yes, and with regret, yo-yo dieting has factored into the equation. I have counted calories, points, food blocks and fibre; I have eliminated fat, eaten low carb, tried switching to raw food, fasted, cleansed, prayed and visualized myself a few pounds lighter every now and then. From fanatic phases of documenting every bite, to weird mono diets that promised miracles and delivered only more metabolic damage, with certainty I can tell you what does not produce the long term results I am looking for.
However, I am not yet dead, and in that, my quest continues. Enquiring minds have a need to know and I have always wondered why some people can eat with relative abandon and remain slim, while others sniff a cupcake and gain five pounds. Hyberbole aside, there is more to it than calories in and calories out. Recent studies are pointing to role of a balanced gut microbiome in managing weight and maintaining optimal health. Could this be the missing link I have been looking for? It is certainly worth exploration and this is the focus of this next leg of my healing journey. To be continued……
anewthreshold.org 